


The Loss

by VesselOfLucifer (FayTheGay)



Series: The Three [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (a bit worse than that), Blood and Gore, Child Neglect, Dark, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Funeral, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Matricide, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Multi, Past Rape/Non-con, Read the note, Temporary Character Death, Torture, and regretting not doing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 15:44:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20048530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayTheGay/pseuds/VesselOfLucifer
Summary: One-Shot for Three of A Perfect Pair!It wasn't really a surprise that Loki's history bit her in the ass. They all just really wished they'd considered it before. Now they can't take back the oversight.(READS TAGS AND AUTHOR'S NOTE)





	The Loss

**Author's Note:**

> PRE-WARNING  
READ TAGS  
This one-shot is significantly darker than the story has been in the past. It’s something that’s mentioned in TOPP’s epilogue but not written in because of what exactly went down. READ THE WARNINGS.  
WARNINGS:  
THIS IS DARK. NOTHING LIKE THE REST OF THE SERIES  
This one-shot contains the loss of Loki's first pregnancy in her relationship with Sam. It isn’t good. It’s bad. Very bad.  
Blood and gore warning, during this scene Coyote cuts open Loki’s womb to remove the baby in a desperate attempt to save it.  
Torture. There’s a torture scene.  
References to child neglect and emotional abuse of a child. Again. (Loki and Sleipnir)  
Mentions of abortions and Loki’s rape by Svaldfari.  
Language. Since this doesn’t fall into pattern with the other fics in terms of staying with the TV-14 allowance, I’m throwing my language rule out. There are big boy words dropped here.

“No.” Coyote glared at her playing cards and resisted the urge to snap a winning assortment into existence, Hela was winning this child’s game and this one lucky ask wasn’t doing her any favors when her hand was bound to lose. “I don’t. Go fish.”

Hela muttered a complaint before drawing her card.

“I just don’t understand.” Coyote complained, taking a sip of her sugarcube filled hot chocolate. “It has no flavor. How does she crave _bland_ food?”

“I would call this a win. When she was pregnant with Sleipnir she ate grass. And craved humans.”

“I _know_ it could be worse but-” Everything seemed to stop when she felt a recoiling deep inside her. A solid _snap_ that she recognized from Loki and Gabriel’s memories that left her reeling, stomach lurching violently while she threw herself to her feet. “_No_.”

“Coy-”

She didn’t let Hela finish her question, throwing herself onto Earth and into their house. “What in the ever-living hell did you do!” Her eyes burned with tears when she dropped down next to Loki’s bloodied body, hand moving down to touch Loki’s stomach. “No. _No_. Sleipnir, you-”

“She wouldn’t love me.” Sleipnir spoke quietly from where he was pressed against the wall, eyes dark and angry. “She hated me. For being born. For something I had nothing to do with.”

“Gabriel.” Coyote prayed desperately, snapping her fingers. Heart sinking when nothing happened. No change.

_Suppressed. Trickster warding. _

“No angel will get in this place. You won’t get out. Her spawn will _die_.” Sleipnir laughed harshly and Coyote pulled Loki into her lap, reaching inwards. Trying to heal her. Shield the baby. Loki was-

Well, it didn’t matter. But the baby was still there. Still alive. Coyote was desperate when she began trying to draw on Gabriel’s Grace through a long-ago detached bond, she pressed insistently. But nothing. She _wasn’t_ Gabriel. She couldn’t be him and even if she could… _warded to the brim. He planned this._

“Your sister. She’s your _sister_, Sleipnir-”

“Fuck you, Coyote. Burn in the one God’s _Hell_. When I was a baby, I wanted my mother to love me. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t comprehend why she didn’t _care_. Why would she give me away? I know what my Father did. I’m not a fool. But the cunt blamed _me_ for it. She _hated_ me.” Sleipnir dropped down, Coyote growling an animalistic sound when he moved closer, a wide smile curling on his lips. Joy. Sleipnir was _enthralled_.

_“Coyote.” _She whipped her head to the right, meeting Loki’s Spirit’s gaze. “_Save her. Now._”

“You try to save that human, I will kill you too, Coyote.” Sleipnir warned, expression flashing with rage when he saw his mother.

“_Sleipnir_-”

“I wanted you to love me. Then I realized that you couldn’t. You weren’t supposed to be a _mother_. You were a man. Better as a father than you could ever be a mother.”

Coyote reached into the side of her jacket, watching Loki’s spirit when she danced around behind Sleipnir. Her son watching her move. Following her with his whole body.

“_I didn’t love you. I couldn’t. Because you were a reminder of one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Your father _raped_ me, Sleipnir. Those are emotional scars that I will _never_ recover from. The physical trauma I passed. Mostly. But the psychological will never revert.”_ Coyote pulled the knife out of her jacket sleeve and leaned forward, cutting into Loki’s body carefully. Bypassing flesh and organs with as little noise as she could manage. Praying Loki’s talking would drown the sound out. _“I was _raped_ by your monster of a father and I will never get over it. _Never_. So, what if I found a little happiness here? If I wanted to have a child with a man I love? It was _my_ choice. Unlike your father. I was given _no choice._”_

_Can’t kill him. Not with this. Need pine. Or sage_.

“And that’s just it. When I heard that you _chose_ motherhood, I realized something important. Something I had never quite grasped.”

“_What? That I don’t love you. I was never subtle-”_

“That you needed to die. That _death_ is the only way I will ever stop being hurt by you. From day one, you did _nothing_ but abuse me. Give me _away_! Odin didn’t love me. He wasn’t _family_. He was my owner and he treated me the same as you. Like I was a _burden_. A curse.”

“_I was wrong to give you to Odin. I should have given you to Thor. Or maybe I should’ve just ended it before you could ever exist to hurt. But I didn’t. I’m dead_._ You’ve won, Sleipnir._”

“Not yet.” His tone said his plans before he moved, sharp and sudden and quick as a viper. His hand wrapped around Coyote’s wrist in a fluid and easy movement. “Not until the little bastard is gone.” Before he could drive it down, Coyote threw herself forward, yanking the dagger away from where she had been carefully working her way towards the womb and together they tumbled across the floor. Sleipnir caught her hips under his feet, kicking her and sending her flying back into the wall. As she stumbled upright, Sleipnir caught her in the stomach with the heel of his boot, shoving her backwards. She caught his wrists in both hands as he came down with the knife, metal cutting through her skin before she could stop it.

“_Coya, please!_”

She bared her teeth, tightening her hold on Sleipnir's wrists. “It doesn’t matter either way.” Sleipnir said harshly, pushing harder with the knife caked in Trickster’s blood. “I’ve already won.”

“We should have let Hela execute you.” She twisted his hands around, plunging the blade through his throat. She kicked his convulsing body back, driving the blade into his throat. Over and over again. Performing a horrible hack job head removal until they could get something to actually kill him. She was blood soaked when the time came, covered in a mixture of red and black Trickster blood. When she was sure that she could do it, she abandoned him, crawling across the space to drop down next to Loki’s body.

_“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry-”_

She carefully cut through the remaining organs into the womb, shoving aside everything else when she pulled the six-month-old unborn baby from her other portion's stomach.

“Come on, baby girl. Come _on_.”

Loki knelt at her side, hand passing through the infant’s body.

“Cry. Please. _Cry._” She pressed her mouth against the underdeveloped child’s. _Futile_, part of her brain told her as she pushed the smallest breath of air that she could. Not knowing what else to do. Just trying to help. _Save her_.

“Coyote-”

“Save Loki.” She didn’t even look when Hela appeared in the room, eyes wide and horrified at the scene before her. “Don’t you _dare _reap her. Get Gabriel!”

“_I’m sorry. I fought- I did. I prayed but_…” Loki continued muttering apologies as Coyote tried to save the underdeveloped body.

Sam and Gabriel found them there twenty minutes later, after Gabriel finally managed to find and break the warding around the house. Gabriel was quiet when he healed Loki’s body before helping guide the human portion of her soul back into her body, Sam and Gabriel cradled Coyote and Loki between them as the two women sobbed brokenly, cradling the too small infant between them.

“It’ll be okay.” Sam kept muttering brokenly into them as Loki curled closer to Gabriel’s embrace. “It’ll… we’ll be okay.”

No, it wouldn’t. But she didn’t say that. Didn’t let Sam see her face when she finally found it in her to move, pulling away from the others to move towards the living room. Sleipnir was gone, Hela having taken it when they returned. But the bloody mess was still there. The floor to their house was _drenched_.

“Coyote, don’t-“

“I am going to rip him apart.”

“_Don’t leave me_.” Loki spoke firmly. “Don’t leave us.”

“Talk to us.”

_And say what?_ “I can’t.”

Loki came up behind her, trembling violently when she wrapped her arms around her waist. “Please. Don’t… let Hela handle him.”

“He killed you.” Coyote breathed, tears pooling in her eyes all over again. “He killed _her_.”

“But you’re here. I’m here. Coya, _please_. Don’t leave me.”

Coyote’s stomach twisted uncomfortably and she turned around, pulling Loki close to her chest with a soft sob. “I tried. I tried so hard and… I’m sorry. I’m so _sorry_.”

“She was gone the moment he got here. Coya, we _couldn’t_ have saved her. We couldn’t. We did everything right. We did _everything_ we could.”

Sam came around in front of her, quietly offering his arms. Coyote shivered, staring down at the body she had wrapped in her jacket at some point.

“Sam…”

“Let me see her. Please, Coya.” She winced when she passed the body over, shutting her eyes and trying to drown out the look of devastation on her husband’s face.

They’d never considered Sleipnir. He’d been living with Odin again. Off the radar. Avoiding Hela and Jörmun. There had been no reason to consider it.

Michael wasn’t even allowed to be left alone with Loki.

_Now we won’t ever leave her alone again._

Coyote didn’t bother snapping when she banished the blood from the floors and walls, covering the old hard wood with a rich cream colored carpet.

She watched Sam when he moved into the living room, feet locked in place.

She could _feel _the devastation. The sick sense of realization that was beginning to claw its way across Loki. A boiling anger that neither of them were equipped to handle.

Loki had been human for the last seven months, Sam’s fertility still proven to be majorly lacking. Something none of them quite knew how to fix. Even the fertility gods were at total losses. Whatever Lucifer had done in The Cage had lingered permanently.

Six months of pregnancy. Gone in a matter of minutes.

“We have to go.” Coyote looked at Gabriel who nodded.

“Come back to us. Both of you.”

Coyote curled herself around Loki before teleporting straight into Hela’s throne room. A partially healed Sleipnir was chained to the back wall, bloodied and unconscious with Hela pacing back and forth in front of him, a large knife in her hands.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“Like we’ve ever done what’s in our best interest.” Loki responded blandly, pressing closer to Coyote’s side.

If they could become One at that moment, she knew they would be. Instead they were two species, Loki’s soul not complete, and they were staring down at their worthless excuse for a son.

“I’m sorry, Father.”

“You had nothing to do with what happened.” Loki said quietly, “He did though. This little bastard-“ She pulled herself away from Coyote, approaching the body chained to the wall. “_Sleipnir_.”

_‘Don’t let her torture him, Coyote. She won’t forgive herself. You won’t forgive yourself.’_

_‘He deserves it.’_

_‘What he deserves cannot come from Loki. From you. You _won’t_ forgive yourself for it. Kill him and end it.’_

Coyote hated how right she knew Gabriel was. She _loathed_ the truth behind it.

Because no matter how much Loki had ever hated Sleipnir, she regretted that she couldn’t love him. Even after _this_, she knew Loki would blame herself.

“She was _innocent_, you little bastard!”

“Nothing that comes from you is _innocent_.” Sleipnir spat, recoiling when Loki yanked the blade from Hela’s hand and drove into the wood next to his head. “You’re a monster, mother. I saved that child from being _ruined_ by you. You’re a lying coward.”

“I’m not a monster.” Loki said quietly, “I don’t know what I wanted when I came here.”

“Loki.” Coyote said softly, approaching her other part’s side.

“It doesn’t matter, though.”

“You won’t kill me.”

“No.” Loki said quietly, pulling the blade back out of the wood. “Not yet.”

“I’m your son.” For the first time since their arrival, Sleipnir looked genuinely concerned. Like he _wasn’t_ some victor.

“No.” Loki responded, sneering as she pressed the blade against his stomach. “You’re a _monster_.”

“Loki, we can’t do this.” Coyote couldn’t make herself move, though. Couldn’t bring herself to try to _actually_ stop Loki. All she could see was his face. His glee as she desperately held Loki’s corpse.

“And you killed me. You killed my _daughter_. What kind of Trickster would I be if I let you get away with something so twisted and cruel?”

“You’re human.” Sleipnir breathed, recoiling as blood began to pour from the wound in his stomach.

“Does that make you fear me any less? Because it shouldn’t. Nothing is more terrifying in all of these worlds than a human mother who has lost their child.”

“Please.” Sleipnir breathed out, eyes wide as horror crossed his expression.

“I begged too and _still_ you ripped my heart from my chest. Take your begging and shove it up your ass.” Sleipnir screamed when Loki drove the blade through his stomach and Loki stepped back, watching him writhe against his bindings, trying to dislodge the blade from where Loki left it.

“We have to stop.” Coyote shut her eyes, curled her hand around Loki’s shoulder.

“We _need_ justice.”

“We need to go. Before we do something that we regret.”

“You want to make him suffer too. You don’t get to take the high road here, Coya. If you _really_ wanted to leave. If you _didn’t_ want this to happen, we would be gone.”

They both jumped out of their skin when a stake flew over their shoulders, whipping around to stare at Hela who had an apologetic look on her face.

“No!” Loki threw herself across the space, Hela catching her by her shoulders.

“Coyote is _right_, Father. You wouldn’t forgive yourself.”

“Those are my regrets to live with!”

Coyote turned, drowning out Loki’s furious ranting to focus on the image of Sleipnir, body hanging limply, body blood drenched and battered from whatever Hela had done before they showed up.

He already stank of death.

“I hope you suffer in the maw of Purgatory. I hope the leviathan find you and kill you. Over and over again.” She breathed before snapping her fingers.

“That was too easy.” Loki breathed out, not protesting when Coyote pulled her into a tight hug.

“I know. But it was still your son. You wouldn’t have forgiven yourself for giving him everything he deserved. Now we need to go support Sam. He needs us here. Gabriel needs you.”

“We need them.” Loki muttered, teleporting the both of them to where she sensed Gabriel. They were in a very familiar place that Coyote was genuinely shocked at Gabriel knowing the exact location of.

Her gaze wandered up the base of the very large tree, lingering on the tucked away pocket of reality that held the treehome before focusing on Sam and Gabriel who were very humanly digging up dirt with two shovels.

She tried to ignore the small casket that sat at the base of the large tree.

“Is he dead?” Sam asked quietly, throwing aside another dirt pile when Loki and Coyote joined them.

“Yes.” Loki answered when Coyote snapped herself her own shovel, another appearing at Loki’s feet.

“Did he suffer?”

When Loki didn’t answer, Coyote spoke for her. “Not nearly enough. But enough that we won’t hate ourself for it.”

“Gabriel said he didn’t know what you would do. I was worried.”

_But you didn’t pray. You wanted it just as bad as we do. But you’re too good of a soul to ever admit it._ _I should hate you for letting us risk that decision. We should be angry. But none of us know how to feel because we just lost our child. There is no precedent to losing your child. Especially not when the killer is one of your other children._

She said none of that, shoveling the next chunk of dirt out of the ground.

“Loki.” Gabriel said after a moment, holding out his hand. Loki shifted uncomfortably before holding hers out over the hole while Coyote pulled another shovel of dirt from the spot.

When she pulled her hand back she had the vial with her soul in the palm.

“Not yet.”

“Loki,” Sam stopped, meeting her gaze.

“If I take it back, I won’t be able to stop myself from becoming One with Coyote. We will become One and I can’t do that yet.”

“If you stay human,” Sam said quietly. “We won’t leave you alone. I don’t care how well you can defend yourself. Today… Hela came for your soul.”

“That’s not fair.”

“You don’t leave me alone and don’t pretend for a _second_ that I’m an idiot. We shouldn’t have left you alone.”

Loki was quiet when she dropped to the ground, pulling her legs to her chest. Coyote kneeling down next to her to pull her into a careful hug. “That was out of line. I’m sorry.” Sam whispered, his arms coming around both of them. Hesitant, but still strong. Protective. “Lo, this isn’t- it isn’t your fault.”

“We’re all hurting.” Loki muttered, “And you are right. It was stupid to leave me alone. There are enough people out there that hate us that we should’ve considered it. But we _can’t_ start blaming eachother because then she died for nothing.”

“You died too.” Sam said quietly, Coyote carefully pulling away to give him the space to pull Loki into his lap. “We could be burying two bodies instead of one. You’re still here.”

“I’m still here.” Loki responded, Coyote looking at the dirt before snapping her fingers to remove the remaining dirt from the hole.

“Loki,” Coyote said very seriously, drawing her other portion’s broken gaze. “We’ll go home and we’ll pile up, okay? This… it isn’t any of our fault. None of us. We’ll get through this and… then we’ll figure the rest out.”

_The rest. The vitality of them not throwing in the towel. _Coyote wanted One, then and there. Where they would be safe. Protected.

_Alive._

For the first time since it all ended, Coyote willingly melted into Gabriel’s hold, breathing deeply and meeting Kali’s gaze when she arrived. Silent, eyes puffy.

_She cried._

“We need to do this.” Loki said quietly, carefully moving to her feet with Sam's help.

_Skinny_. Coyote thought, unable to help it. Her body was flat again. Smooth. Gabriel had brought her back, healed her without the damage of the lost pregnancy.

Coyote wondered if it was worse or better. Loki’s mind was like a black hole, indecipherable.

“Do you want Dean here?” Coyote asked quietly, finally letting herself listen to the nagging and heartbroken prayers of her brother-in-law.

“Yeah. Please. And… I want to do a hunter’s pyre.” Coyote snapped her fingers once more and Dean appeared behind them, a small wooden pile appearing in the hole with the rest of the materials at the top. When Coyote turned Dean was pulling a yet again trembling Loki into his chest with a quiet apology before he moved to his baby brother.

“I’m sorry, Sam.” Sam collapsed into his brother, tears leaking from the corners of both of their eyes as they shared a rare moment of vulnerability.

Coyote looked away, moving across the space to help Gabriel maneuver the small casket into the pit manually. Kali pulled Loki against her side quietly, watching them work. Sam and Dean worked together to douse it all in lighter fluid.

Hunters didn’t use caskets but Coyote suspected that Sam had opted for it because it was semblance of normal.

Hunters didn’t bury their dead, but humans did.

They arranged themselves around the foot of the too small grave, quiet and pained as Sam lit his lighter. Rustling in the trees and brush told her that Coyotl and Crow were in the treeline, watching them silent and mournful shadows.

She basked in the knowledge that they had come, even when she told them to stay away.

“We never got to say hello.” Sam said softly, dropping the lighter and watching as all of the wood went up in flames. “And you were gone too soon. Too early for this world. You deserved better. But… you’re gone.”

Silence fell across them for a long moment before Kali of all people spoke.

“I played with you. In the nights when Loki and Sam slept, your soul was strong and pure. You would have been a strong woman. A good woman, like your fathers. Like your mothers. Your time never came to show the world your energies, but it doesn’t mean it never existed. It simply means it moved on before it was shared.” Coyote had forgotten that. The concept that certain Gods could touch lifelines. Interact on a soulular level.

She’d never considered that Kali would be capable. But it made sense that Sigyn would have been.

“Goodbye, Mary.” Loki and Coyote said together, the words echoing heavy and final across them.

Dean made a sound, surprise. He probably hadn’t known.

“Goodbye, Mary.” Gabriel murmured, the silence stretching further and further as they waited for the flames to die down.

They were all quiet as they manually shoveled the dirt back into place. One pile after the next until the sun rose and Coyote knelt to touch the ground. Plant matter manipulation was tricky but she managed to shift the minerals into something more until, finally, a rose bush began to blossom up from the ground, taller and prouder than any natural plant. She was particular when she etched wardings into its roots and DNA, the same protection she’d offered the tree.

A guarantee the area wouldn’t be tampered with. She spread the grass out, finishing it all off. Then she backed up, leaning into Sam and Loki’s waiting arms.

“It’s beautiful.”

_It shouldn’t have to be. _“I know. They can take you home. I need to go… I need to-“

“It’s okay. Just come back to us.” Loki brushed their fingers together and Coyote let out a relieved breath before throwing herself into the treeline, Coyotl and Crow joining her sides as she slipped into her first form.

Together, they ran.

.-~*~-.

It was three weeks later that Coyote found herself at home and on two legs. Her family was eating dinner in the living room, watching Looney Tunes. Quietly, she moved into the room, nestling herself against Sam’s side and staring at the coffee table.

“I don’t know how to mourn.” She admitted quietly, making a soft and broken sound. “I have _never_ grieved.” Gabriel met her gaze from across the space between them. A silent apology. “I don’t know what to do. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. We ran. We ran for a while. But it didn’t stop. Everything still _hurts_.”

“That’s because that isn’t how grief works.” Sam said gently, reaching over to pause the movie.

“I will return.” Gabriel disappeared with the soft sound of wings, leaving the three of them alone.

“Of course he takes off.” Coyote scowled before snapping them to their bed where they could properly look at each other.

“Coyote,” Sam caught her hands, squeezing them until she blinked and looked at him. “You can’t run from grief.”

“I’ve never- I’ve never _lost_ anyone.” Anansi was different. Anansi was with Cagn. He wasn’t gone. His soul was still _there_. But a baby didn’t go to an afterlife. Its soul was brought to a newborn. Given another chance at a long life.

There was never a chance she would get to see her again.

And last time she lost someone… well she stopped existing. Gabriel had locked up his memories. Forgotten rather than deal with that grief.

Never given her a chance to _learn_.

“I've lost children before.” Loki said quietly. “And it was twisted. I’ve never forgotten them. I’ve also never forgiven their killers. The things Odin _did _to me. For a lie? It haunts my dreams. But we’re strong enough to move forward, Coyote. We can survive this.”

“I feel dead inside.” She admitted, “And it’s not fair. Not to you- but…”

“You’re forgetting. We aren’t just one person. And… yeah, that’s about where I am too. When… when Svaldfari raped me? When I realized I was pregnant I wanted nothing more than for it to die.”

“But we kept him.”

“He was a victim just as much as me. And I treated him like shit for it.”

“And he _murdered_ you.” Coyote grabbed her hand, squeezing tightly until the other woman met her gaze. “No matter what he did, what _we_ did, he never should have done that.”

“It’s not your fault.” Sam pulled her against his chest, “It’s not our fault.”

Silence fell over them and she shut her eyes, moving to join Loki in Sam’s arms.

“We’ll be okay.”

She could only hope that was the truth because the look of devastation on all of their faces was almost too much for her to bear.

**Author's Note:**

> If I'm honest, I wasn't sure I would even post this. I wrote it because I didn't feel right not telling this story but I was super on the fence about posting it here because it's dark and depressing and generally screwed. I finally decided I would, though so here you go.
> 
> If I missed any tags/warnings please let me know. I tried to get everything but I honestly couldn't come up with anything else.


End file.
